Burden Read online

  Copyright @Lila Felix 2013

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  Edited by Monique O’Conner James

  Formatting and Typography by Inkstain Interior Book Designing

  To my husband—

  If we were bears, you would be my mate, and we would never be parted.

  “I need a minute, file out please,” I commanded, sitting back in my tattered leather desk chair, scratching my almost full beard. Rubbing my belly, I tried to scour away the itch of frustration, to no avail.

  Frustration was my leech and its teeth penetrated deep.

  I really should take better care of myself.

  But my appearance reflected my attitude of late, ragged, teetering on the edge of mania. I’d gone too long without a haircut, opting instead for buzzing the sides myself and letting the top grow longer than I’d ever let it before.

  “Yes, Alpha,” they all replied, swiftly moving from the cedar paneled office—except River. As more than my beta, my best friend, he always thought himself exempt from most orders, and he was. I frequently needed an ear that felt like it was on my side, and not just because the rules told him he had to be.

  My father had been Alpha before me, and his father Alpha before that. Every day I uncovered another piece of the effed up puzzle—the real story of the turmoil my clan was in—the legacy they’d left me. And it seemed while they were excellent Alphas in terms of protecting the lands and growing the clan—they weren’t proficient at financing or piddling things like paying property taxes. They allowed their females no say over anything, which went against everything we were taught as young males. They failed to practice what they preached. Their mates had to grin and bear it. A female probably would’ve pointed out the details that my father and his father ignored. And now, one year after my father died of cancer and my mother followed soon after, I stood in a falling apart house, up to my eyeballs in debt with every male and some female clan members working two and three jobs to help out. My clan was crumbling through my claws.

  Something has to give.

  River was the same age as me, though our appearances aged us considerably. He growled out a sigh and plopped down in one of the huge chairs, built specifically for us, thick and sturdy. He beat his hands on the top of his head to some rhythm. He was deciding how to tell me something.

  “Hawke, we can barely handle what we’ve got. Let’s face it, we are up to our muzzles here. Clan members are paying for bills usually taken care of by clan funds. We are working ourselves to the bone. We do what we can, but it’s just not enough. And now the LaFourche Clan Alpha wants to merge? I don’t know, boss.”

  I hate when he calls me boss.

  “I can’t help it. I have no money left after paying over two hundred thousand dollars in property taxes, insurance, flood insurance and everything else we were up to our asses on. The effing government was about to auction off our land. I have little to nothing left.”

  I stood and took the two steps to the window to face the swamp. I could almost hear the fluttering of the catfish’s fins in the murky bayou, the teeth of the nutra rat chattering, and the bowing branches of the Cypress tree in the beginning winds of a Louisiana thunderstorm. The swamp called to me, begging me to allow it to soothe the beast and the stress. I wished it could. But I didn’t even have time to run anymore—I hadn’t shifted in weeks. The neglect of my inner animal made my skin crawl and itch.

  Let me out, he pleaded.

  He didn’t answer my rhetorical plea for him to further his rebuttal, so I continued my side of the debate, “What else can I do? Have you seen the other clan members? They’re as mature as a newborn cub. If I don’t take over as their Alpha, they’ll scatter to the winds. And with the other clans vying for our land already—they would take over the LaFourche land and be a heartbeat away from our boundaries. I won’t have it.”

  He grabbed the arms of the chair and leaned forward, and I could see his reflection in the window.

  “Then something has to give. Things are getting out of hand. We respect you, Alpha and will obey anything you ask of us. But the Betas and clan are restless, the males and the females. You know our ways dictate that our inner animal obey an Alpha pair, not just a male. We need the strength of a pair. If you intend to do this, we should be stronger, at least.”

  Didn’t I know it? If they were restless for a pair to oversee them—if restless was the word they were using, then I was downright violent with my need for a mate.

  The craving almost consumed me.

  My bear needed a mate, and I as an Alpha, needed the balance of a female—plus, even with my warmer body temperature; my bed, of late, seemed to grow colder and colder.

  But who had time to seek out a mate when the clan was in a spiral of disorganization and failure?

  It wasn’t like there was a dating and mating website for bear shifters. If there had been, its mascot would have been that yellow Care Bear with the heart on its stomach. The commercial would have him doing the Care Bear stare or some shit. I hated Care Bears.

  Why am I thinking about Care Bears?

  I knew he could feel my malcontent over bringing up the issue of a mate, so he relented and moved on.

  “There’s another issue, Alpha.”

  I turned to my friend with a fake smile, “Oh great, what more?”

  “There’s been a report of a black bear, a rogue, in South Dakota. She seems to be part of a grizzly clan, but is not mated. They have seen her working on clan lands and running perimeters on their boundaries at all times of the night.”

  I shrugged, “It’s the female’s choice if she wants to keep clan with grizzlies.”

  “The thing is—she’s thin—worn. The wolf pack Alpha who reported her says she’s unhealthy. He says he can see her ribs when she shifts and she’s maybe eighteen or nineteen but none of the kids in his pack have ever seen her in school. And they all attend school together up there, shifter and human. He assumes—he assumes she’s being held captive. He sent a formal request that you visit and see for yourself as the Alpha over all bear Alphas.”

  I snorted in his direction, “I’m sure the grizzlies would be much obliging.”

  “They don’t have a choice. We outrank them. Black bears outrank Grizzlies, you know that. They have no choice but to grant you entrance.”

  Of course I knew that. I was just grasping at straws, trying to talk my way out of going to South Dakota for any reason.

  “How can I leave now, with the clan in turmoil?”

  “It will take us three days. It’s not gonna fall apart in three days. If she is what the wolf says she is, then we have to save her. We protect our own.”

  I slammed my fist down on the table, more in frustration with the entire situation than towards my Beta. He jumped anyway, “I know we protect our own. Make the arrangements with the rest of the clan. I want you and Flint on my flank. Three days, no more.”

  He didn’t answer with words, simply bowed his head in acknowledgement.

  I couldn’t believe this. I was in the middle of a turf struggle, on the verge of taking on a new clan, and trying to calm the mate-craving animal inside me—and there was a lone female in cold South Dakota who’d gotten herself kidnapped and enslaved.

  Perfect.

  I grabbed the last plate after everyone else had passed through the line. It was immediately snatched from me by Horace, the
Alpha, and my keeper.

  “Did we forget something,” he asked and when he breathed through his nose, I could see there was a straggler in his cave.

  “No, Alpha, I did everything on the list.”

  “The list from this morning?”

  I could feel the snare around my leg; ready to tighten.

  His breath was always horrendous, and I stifled a gag.

  “Yes, Alpha, the list from this morning, on my door, when I got in from perimeters.”

  “And what about the list I left on your bedroom door this afternoon?”

  I froze, “I’m sorry. I got in and had afternoon security detail. I haven’t even been home since then.”

  “Well then, you don’t really deserve dinner, do you?”

  “No, Alpha, I don’t.” I took my plate from him, clanked it back down, and lowered my gaze.

  “Agreed. Why don’t you get changed and begin your forgotten duties? While you’re at it, take a shower. You stink of the species you represent.”

  “Yes, Alpha.”

  I soldiered out of the dining hall, starving to the point of nausea, but obeying, nonetheless. I didn’t have the pull, the instinct of obedience to Horace like the rest of the clan did, I assumed because I wasn’t like them, but I obeyed anyway. What choice did I have?

  As far as I knew, I was a freak of nature, a mistake, a fluke. Plus, that was what I’d always been told. The story went that I had been found in the woods as a cub, and they’d felt sorry for me. So I worked my ass off every day trying to lift my burden somehow. It was indentured servitude at its finest, but there was never an end in sight for me. I’d never earn my freedom or feel the lift of a repaid debt rise from my chest.

  Then, there was that thing where I could heal them. I was sure that was the real reason they kept me. But the more I stretched myself thin, the more it took out of me every time I did.

  I scrambled to my room, snatching the note pinned to my door, grabbing a pair of cut off sweat shorts, and a tank top and running to the bathroom. It was a usual list—clean the house, inventory the pantry, make the grocery list, do the laundry. By the time I got done with the chores, it would be time to run perimeters again and try to get some sleep. I’d probably only gotten three to four hours of sleep in the past couple of days but somehow I would pull through. I had a five minute limit on showering, so I poured tons of shower gel all over me and scrubbed as fast as I could. The hot water revived some of my weariness and got rid of some of the stink I was said to carry. But to me, they stank. Even the wolves didn’t have the funk these grizzlies boasted. But then again, maybe it was me. I’d never seen another black bear, so there was a great probability it was me. Drying off and throwing on clothes, I worked through the house first, since everyone had flown the coop after scarfing down dinner.

  Monday and Thursday night dinners were held at the Alpha house. I did all the cooking, for all one hundred and thirty one clan members and I cleaned up afterwards. In no time, I’d finished tidying up the kitchen, cleaning the house, and sweeping the porches. The laundry was next and it entailed going to the clan laundromat, which was a deed in itself. Not because of the laundry—I usually took pleasure in the solace it gave me. But I feared the goading I received if any other clan members were in there. It was funny how they chastised me one minute but expected me to heal them the next. But denying anyone a gift I’d been bestowed was beyond my comprehension. I just didn’t have the meanness in me.

  I gathered the two baskets of clothing from the hallway closet, stacked them on top of one another, and made my way across the pathway to the laundromat. There was no one in there that night, thank goodness, so the peace of the pouring water and the tumbling clothes was mine for the taking.

  As I sat in the stiff metal monstrosities, waiting for the next load to finish, I thought about the note passed to me from a wolf shifter at the boundary days ago. It was a letter from their Alpha telling me, warning me, I didn’t know which. It was of few words, but it spoke volumes and sent my mind into a frenzy of what ifs.

  The Great Black Bear Alpha is coming.

  As soon as I read it, the note was ripped from my hands and shredded. Then the wolf ran away.

  Was I in trouble? Had I done something wrong—other than the numerous things I’d done wrong on a daily basis? Was he like the Alpha around here, and the other grizzly Alphas who humiliated and despised their females? Would I be punished for being in a clan of grizzlies? It wasn’t my fault. They’d found me and kept me.

  I’d tried to escape once.

  That’s when they started making me wear the taser collar around my neck—the same collars the dogs wore. As if my life wasn’t humiliating enough. When I reached a certain point on the perimeter, marked by little orange flags tied to branches, or if I went beyond the boundary, I was shocked and they were notified. At first, I rebelled against it, ran out of the boundary as many times as my neck could stand it. I had some burn mark scars to prove it. I could heal most of them, but in some instances I’d passed out for so long that scarring had commenced. I’d stopped trying years ago, and finally succumbed to my station in the world and on this land.

  We’d travelled for just over twenty hours in my truck—twenty hours. That was a long time to be in a truck with two other male bear shifters. It was the equivalent of a cage. We’d finally made it to South Dakota, just outside of Yankton. The grizzly clan lands were just outside of Lake Andes but I had to announce my presence first, not out of necessity, but out of respect.

  “Get your elbow out of my ribs before I snap your forearm in half, Flint.”

  “I’ll move my elbow if you stop touching my leg with yours, you asshat.”

  “Hey! Knock it off. We’re almost there.”

  “Yes, Alpha,” they both replied, still giving each other glares.

  “We’ll get to the motel in about ten minutes, call the Grizzly Alpha and then eat.”

  Grunts were all I received, all the answer I needed were grunts.

  After parking at the front of a sub-par motel, River went into the office, made arrangements for two rooms and came back later with keys. Flint and I were out, stretching our legs. I did not look forward to stepping on another Alpha’s land, much less another kind of bear’s land. And grizzlies had a reputation of being temperamental at best. And while I knew they could never best me, I wasn’t completely comfortable with the whole situation.

  I pulled out my phone, as I entered a grossly undercleaned motel room, sat on the bed which almost collapsed beneath me, and pressed H for Horace. His number was one of the few under the H’s, and I pushed the phone emblem to call.

  “Horace here.”

  “Horace Milestone, this is Hawke Turnclaw.”

  There was some fumbling of the phone and shushing of people in the room.

  “Alpha, to what do I owe this pleasure?”

  “Just a routine inspection. I’ve heard some good things about your clan. I thought maybe my own could learn some things from yours. We are in town and will be at your borders at noon. Please make your guard aware. We wouldn’t want a misunderstanding.”

  Damn, I didn’t know I was so smooth at lying.

  “Of course not, Alpha. I will let them know. Um—how long will your stay be?”

  “As long as I deem fit. Until tomorrow, Horace.”

  “Tomorrow, Alpha.”

  I hung up the phone, heard the sound of two cackling men and looked up to see my Betas doubled over in humor.

  “What’s going on with you two?”

  Flint barely contained his laughter as he answered, “River’s room was otherwise occupied with one man and two women. So he had to get another room. But you should’ve seen his face, like he’s never seen naked asses before!”

  “Shut up.” River punched Flint in the gut.

  “And since when do we do routine inspections? What are we the military?”

  “I had to think of something. What was I supposed to say, ‘I’ve come up to investigate some f
emale black bear spotted by your boundary friend Schuylar, the Alpha wolf next door? Please. Now, let’s go eat and get some sleep. They’re not going to make this easy on us.”

  We walked down the street to a buffet, which promised steak and all the fixings. River moaned about the lack of sweet tea but I didn’t care, as long as something was quenching my thirst.

  We all filled two plates each, with a sampling of what the buffet had to offer—one plate just for the enormous steaks. Almost finished with round one, I sat back to relax before going back. I saw Flint drop his fork and fish through his pockets, come out with a cell phone and dial a number.

  “What happened,” he growled into the phone.

  Whatever answer he received placated him enough to relax against his chair, “Please be more careful. You scared me to death. I was ready to tear this place down getting to you.”

  More conversation from the other end, “Ok, I love you too B.”

  Flint’s mate was Beatrice, he called her B, and so did everyone else. He was the only one of my Betas who had a mate.

  “Everything okay?”

  “Yeah, she tripped on the last stair of the house and my heart fluttered,” he recalled, rubbing his chest.

  “She should be more careful carrying a cub.”

  “Cubs; and I know,” Flint sighed, “She’s just so damned anal about cleaning the house. That’s what she was doing, going downstairs to wipe the already clean counters again.”

  We all laughed, and I tried in vain not to be frustrated with my circumstances. I had no idea what he meant. I had no clue of the sensation, being so in tune with my mate. And there was the heartbeat. The Creator made us know exactly when we met our mate. It was a secret kept amongst those who’d experienced it, but it was said that there was no denying it.

  I wished I knew.

  I’d never try to deny it.

  We almost ate the place out of business and then retired to our respective rooms to get sleep in case there was any turf fight the next day. There shouldn’t be, but I wasn’t very well scripted in visiting other clans’ land.