AnguiSH Page 11

  “Yes,” he said and my father, so wise and patient, and I stared each other down as the waiter removed our plates.

  “It might be different. I may be way off base.” He began a banter with me.

  “It may be the same and I’m just blinded by lo…”

  He nodded, his calloused fingers squeezed each time he made a point. “As I was Ashland. I should’ve gotten some serious help for your mother. I maybe even should’ve institutionalized her. I was selfish. I needed her with me so badly, even if she had no clue who I was.”

  Plates of Hawaiian cheesecake and the smells of cream cheese and pineapple reached my nose as I untangled the knots in my head, sifting out the strands of truth.

  “Tell me what to do, Dad.” I couldn’t help the vulnerability that broke through my voice.

  “Ashland, you’re one of the smartest people I know. And I quit telling you what to do when I walked in on you kicking Jackson Landry in the nuts for trying to get to second base. You were only fifteen but I’ve been a spectator ever since. You’ll figure it out.”

  I fought back tears. And I laughed because I remembered Jackson and his bruised boys. It was one of the few times that I’d allowed myself to socialize. Dad high fived me after Jackson left with his tail between his legs, and little else.

  “Right now I think cheesecake will help.”

  “Me too.” He laughed.

  I dropped him off at his store, holding on to promises of meeting Patty, and my hopes that he could be happy. I would say again, but in all honesty, I’d never seen him truly content with my mom. There was no way you could be around her. It was constant chaos.

  I called Stephanie but she didn’t answer. So I went back to the place where I knew I could just sit and let the world spin around me—a chance to think. As I sat down on the concrete bench in the middle of the LSU quad, a text came through from Breaker but I shut my phone off, not needing any kind of sway from him while I worked all the shit in my brain out.

  I sifted through everything as couples passed me by, guys in a hurry, backpacks strapped to their backs. It wasn’t as busy in the quad as it was during a regular semester, but the summer traffic still afforded me the anonymity and solace I needed.

  I got turned around in the maze of my thoughts and by the time I found my way out, the sun was setting and the quad was now empty.

  And as the sun died, another dawn broke in me. It was simple. I had to know. I had to know if he was truly getting better or if he was just shifting his codependency to me. I knew what I had to do.

  I went back to the house, its beauty once so striking to me, now was looming and almost haunted. The tenants can alter the way a house looks. Almost if the people are hateful, the house starts to get ugly. But Breaker was glum, so this place was more like a drab mansion instead of a gorgeous piece of architecture.

  Breaker flung the door open as I got out of the car and his smile was priceless. Like I was what he’d been waiting for his whole life and the postman had just dropped me off.

  And no one had ever smiled like that at my arrival.

  I walked in and before my second foot was in the door, I was in his arms.

  “Is it too cheesy if I told you I missed you? I mean, it’s been twelve hours.”

  “Hmmm,” I pretended to think about it, “I think thirteen hours is the standard.”

  “Understood,” he said. He backed away from me and closed the door and began to stalk away in fake anger.

  “Don’t you dare.” I told him and grabbed him by the waistband of those ever present basketball shorts. And when he sufficiently pinned me against the door, I told him, “I missed you too.”

  And there was that smile again.

  “I’ve got to clean this house. It is why I’m here.” I barely choked out as his mouth blazed a trail of head down the hollow of my neck.

  “I’ll help.” He said, his H’s blew hot breath against my ear.

  “You sure do clean a lot. Your mom said you were the slob of the year. That’s why I’m here. I’m beginning to think you were faking it just to get a girl in here.”

  “It’s true. That’s why I hired Mrs. Doubtfire first. The smell of Ben Gay and White Diamonds perfume really does it for me. So she came over for a trial but…”

  “You have to stop now. I just imagined you and her under the library lights. I bet you take all the girls under the twinkly lights.”

  He broke out into a haughty, heady laugh. I felt like I’d won a prize.

  “Ash, you’re the only one who’s slept under the stars with me.”

  “I’ve got to clean—like now. What if your mom makes one of those surprise inspections and instead of cleaning, I’ve been entertaining the boss?”

  He cocked his eyebrow in a ‘have it your way’ gesture. I went to my room to change and spent the rest of the night cleaning.

  Breaker went out to the greenhouse at some point and then I heard him tinkering with something in the spare bedroom that he always kept locked.

  My stomach turned when I made up my mind and lurched when I realized it meant that I might lose him. No one might ever need me again the way he did.

  I finished up and showered, then went to bed, the gnawing still festered in my gut.

  I woke up early the next morning and waited. I wondered if he’d wake up and run with me of his own doing. He was an adult for chrissakes. Fifteen minutes after our scheduled time, I went out by myself. I found that I liked the morning run more than I thought I would. Pounding a rhythm into the sidewalk cleared my head.

  I was disappointed when I got back. He was probably still tucked into his warm bed—lazy ass.

  I walked into a silent house and decided to mow the grass, the humid Louisiana summer made it grow like wild fire.

  I started up the mower and got through three solid passes before I was linebacked out of the way and the lawnmower was stolen from my hands. Breaker had just taken it out of my hands. The faith I’d had in him waved at me, reminding me she was alive and well. I stood still in the place my machine had abandoned me. When he passed by he winked and I still stood there all star struck. But when he passed again, he slapped me on my ass—hard.

  “Get to work, Lazy!” He shouted over the buzz of the lawnmower.

  He just pissed me off so bad.

  I stomped to the greenhouse and retrieved the weed eater and did the same job I’d had before—trying not to cut into my legs. I was getting bored of this routine. I don’t know how Breaker stood it for so long.

  We finished the yard and admired the glory for a few minutes. If he said dinner and DVD were the plans for the night, I would have to sock him in the jaw.

  “I feel cheated,” I blurted out.

  “How so?”

  “I told you I care about you, I let you get to first base, we slept under twinkly lights but we haven’t been out on a date.”

  “Woman, I nearly had you begging for second base. How about we go out to the movies? It’s a weekday, there’s probably few people there, we can sit in the back…”

  Bingo—he initiated another place to go. That had to count for something. He was truly getting better.

  “You have to dress like you’re on a real date.” This was more for me than for show. I’d never seen him in real clothes. He was always wearing basketball shorts or pajama pants. And there was the one time with the boxer briefs.

  “So do you. You have to get all dolled up like you did to go out with Smoky.”

  I snorted, “O-zark.”

  “It’s all mountain ranges to me. So, go get ready, and I’m gonna knock on your bedroom door all formal like.”

  “Do I get to call you ‘Your Majesty’ on our date?”

  “I love to hate it when you call me that.”

  “Give me two hours. I’m gonna take a bath.”

  He groaned, “Jesus help me.”

  I took a long, hot bath, the kind where you pay really good attention to shaving your legs in the right direction and letting the condit
ioner sit for five minutes. It was one of those baths where you emerged with lobster red skin and you felt like a million bucks afterward. I took care in picking out my clothes, all the while squealing at random intervals.

  I finally chose a pair of dark washed skinny jeans and a black cami whose straps crisscrossed in the back. I chose a pair of black peep toe shoes to match. I left my hair down and put on a simple silver necklace. I decided to take a risk and went with simple eye make-up, but Marilyn Monroe red lips. I’d just sprayed myself with body spray when he knocked on my door.

  I opened it up and he gasped. I loved that he gasped in my presence. It made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.

  “How?” he whispered, “How did I get so damned lucky to have you stumble into my life?”

  And as he stood there in a navy blue button up shirt and gray slacks, both fit him like they were specially tailored to flatter everything he had, I thought the same about him. He was willing to change his life, or lack of life for me. He was willing to trust me enough to know that if he was in trouble I would help him.

  I stepped towards him, the peep toe heels and red lipstick giving me a false bravado of brazen, “And I thought you looked good in your boxers. But you are incredibly handsome all dressed up.” His already pale face drained of all color, “Well, I’m gonna have to pay you back for seeing me like that.”

  I took another step, this one making our chests touch. I watched his lips as I spoke, hoping what I would say next would make him squirm.

  “You already did. You don’t think I sunbathe topless all the time do you? Breaker James, that was just for you.”

  And sure enough, he rolled his lips between his teeth, reeling in some of his want. And I knew he wanted.

  “I thought you wanted to get out of this house?” His voice cracked a little.

  “I do,” Now I couldn’t stop looking at his lips.

  “Then we need to leave, like now.” He grabbed my hand and practically dragged me from the house. We reached the car and he surprised me by taking the keys from me.

  “May I?” He dangled them in front of my face.

  “Definitely.” I answered.

  He drove like he’d done it every day. His hand found my thigh soon after leaving the house. He moved it up and down the whole way and by the time we reached the theater, I needed air.

  We decided on the latest comedy about guys who went to Vegas. He bee-lined for the snack bar, winking at me, letting me know he remembered. He knew my love for junk food. He ordered the biggest vat of popcorn available with extra butter, a large Coke and Raisinets.

  “How’d you know I love those?”

  “I didn’t. I just wanted you to get something halfway healthy.”

  We went into the right door and there was no one in the theater. I pretended not to hear his sigh.

  “Pick a spot,” I said over my shoulder.

  “Middle, middle,” He said. I would never admit how childish it was of me to be disappointed that he hadn’t said, ‘In the back where I can ravish you.’. No, wasn’t happening.

  We sat through the trivia and he got them wrong. It was amazing how behind he was on the times.

  “When did they start doing all this before movie testing? I feel like I’m not gonna move to the next grade or get to watch the movie if I don’t pass.”

  He stole my Raisinets and a handful of my popcorn—they had all become my property and put a half handful of each in his mouth at the same time.

  I just stared at him while he chewed. That could not be good. He finally swallowed, I knew because I’d become fascinated all the sudden with his Adam’s apple.

  “It’s good. Try it.” He grabbed my soda and took a long drag.

  “I’m glad I’m not a germaphobe.” I quipped.

  “Me too, but it’s kinda too late if you are.”

  The fake curtains pulled back and the lights went down. He looked over at me throughout the movie and I wondered what he was up to. I’d decimated the popcorn and the Raisinets before the movie even started good.

  He raised the partition between us and opened his arms for me and I nestled into them. When he laughed, which was often during that movie, his chest bustled me this way and that.

  The movie’s plot slowed down at one point and he squeezed me around my waist.

  “I love being here with you like this. Feels normal.”

  I pulled his arms around me tighter. With our non-stop references to sex, this was a welcome change. Despite the fun we always had going back and forth, I had to admit I loved sweet Breaker.

  I love Breaker. The thought made me freeze. I moved out of his arms and back to my chair.

  “Are you okay?” He whispered.

  “Yeah—uh—cramp.”

  “Liar.” He called me out but didn’t push for more.

  I spent the rest of the movie with my arms wrapped around my knees, in complete denial. I didn’t mean to. I meant to come in keep the house clean and get Breaker out of the house, on the road to being healed. That’s what Mrs. Stick Up Her Ass paid me for. She paid me pretty damn well to do it too.

  It had worked. I got him out of the house. And somehow I’d gotten lost in his gray eyes, in his humor, in his desire for me. Instead of just doing a job, he’d worked one over on me.

  Now I had to figure out a way to tell him.

  “You’re acting weird.” He bumped me with his arm.

  “Huh,” I answered. I wondered if he felt the same way. I wondered if I had a shot in hell of having him love me.

  “I’m sorry,” he whispered again.

  I looked at him like he was—well—nuts. “What are you sorry for?”

  He started laughing, “I don’t know. I just figured it was safe.”

  “What a goof. I just had a revelation—about you I might add----and you’re apologizing. What in the hell makes a person apologize for no reason?”

  He took my face in his hands and it was mirror image déjà vu. I’d done this to him several times now to calm him down.

  “Tell me what’s wrong.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Ok, well, let’s go. I think you need some air.”

  He took me by the hand and we rushed outside. I latched onto him as soon as I’d breathed a while.

  “Tell me what happened. If I did something, you have to tell me. I never want to hurt you.”

  “It’s nothing wrong. You didn’t do anything but maybe make me fall in love with you. But you can’t really make someone do that. And it’s not like you were set on doing that. It just hit me in the theater and it freaked me out. And then I felt like I couldn’t breathe, but I couldn’t just leave. And you probably don’t feel the same, so it’s not a big deal. I mean, I shouldn’t have even told you.”

  He held up his hands, “Shut up Ash.”

  Well didn’t that just scratch my glass.

  “What did you just say? Don’t you ever tell me to shut up you—you—you weird named boy.”

  “Ashland! I was just trying to make you stop. You were running your mouth so fast, I thought you were gonna hurt yourself. Plus, you just said the most mind blowing thing and then it got creamed by all that blathering.”

  I covered my face with my hands and whimpered, “Can we just go home?”

  Breaker

  The timing couldn’t be worse. But she was coming unglued about some phantom revelation she had in the middle of the movie. And she was on this word rampage when I heard it. She said I made her fall in love with me. And then she had the audacity to say that I probably didn’t feel the same way.

  And all I could think about was how beautiful she was. How feminine her hands were while she was flailing them about, getting her point across. And her hip, that one right hip, the one I’d not twenty four hours ago had my hand on, was cocked out. Even her hip had attitude.

  She asked to be taken home and I couldn’t believe how ok I was with going home or staying.

  But she loved me and I felt ten feet
tall.

  I didn’t say anything back to her on the way home. I just drove her home in silence. I parked her car in its regular spot. I could hear thunder clap and rumble in the distance and I knew a good Louisiana thunderstorm was on its way.

  “Do you need some time or do you want me to stay?”

  “Stay—the answer will always be stay.” She directed her plea to the window though she meant me.

  We sat there for an hour or so and I worried that she regretted her words. Screw the panic attacks, her not loving me was now my biggest fear.

  “I’m ready to go in.”

  I opened the driver’s side door and followed her inside. This was certainly not the way I wanted this date to go.

  She high tailed it towards her room and I heard a shard of my heart start to break away.

  She regretted it.

  I went to my room and the air in it was now stifling. It choked me. So instead of fleeing it, what did I do? I smothered myself in it, wrapped myself in my comforter and forced sleep to come get me.

  I woke up in the middle of the night to a pitch black room and I couldn’t hear the air conditioning running. I got up to check the breaker box but it was all fine. I used my cell phone to light my way back to my room and saw another light coming up the stairs.

  “Ash?” I called out in the dark.

  “Breaker? Shit! My phone just died.”

  “I’m coming.” I made my way down a couple of stairs and wrapped my arm around her waist to help guide her.

  We got into my room and I realized I hadn’t given a second thought to her coming to my room in the middle of the night. We reached my bed and I hesitated.

  “I was sitting up in my bed and I hate the thunder and then all the lights shut off. It freaked me out. Can I just sit in here until the lights come back on?”

  I chuckled at her, “Didn’t we just sleep together night before last? Why so shy all the sudden? “

  “I don’t know.”

  “Come on, get in.”

  I got in bed and pulled the cover back for her. She got in but stayed frozen on her side, not touching me. And they said I was the goon?

  “Hey, look at me.” She turned only her head while the rest of her stayed rigid. I couldn’t see it but I could hear her head turn on the pillow. “What?”